never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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