I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
