I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
