He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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