Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
