what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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