Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
