pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
