Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
