last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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