my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
