A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
