five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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