I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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