Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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