I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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