If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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