We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
