Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
