He uses pillows to masturbate.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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