I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
