Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
