I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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