Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
