I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
