Man, jail baloney is awful.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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