Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
