Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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