I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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