Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Drunk is not a location!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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