I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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