I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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