so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
