you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
