In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
