I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
