I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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