Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
