I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
