he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
