She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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