awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
