WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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