I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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