She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
