her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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