playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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