I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
