My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
