so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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