Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
